Lecturer: I found your book very difficult to understand.
Philosopher: Oh, THANK you!
(@RichardDawkins)
Philosopher: We have one solipsist in the department and he's elderly. We look out for him because, y'know: when he goes we all go... (Sam Leith @questingvole)
An Oxford professor’s highest accolade was to mark an essay “B+++?+”.
Are you a genie?
I’m a genius!
Do you grant wishes?
I wish for grants.
Professor 1: I have some interesting conundra about pendula.
Professor 2: We have better things to do than sit on our ba doing sa.
Why are there no decent chemistry jokes? Because all the good ones argon.
(Michelle Martin @m000sh)
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out, and I was like “OMg”.
What do grammarians want?
Government by, with or from the people, to or for the people.
You remind me of the sea.Wild and romantic?
No, you make me sick.
My wife's going to America. Which state?
Alaska. Don't bother, I was just making conversation.
(Dave Turner @mrdaveturner)
Concerned onlooker to soldier back from Dunkirk: What was it like?
Soldier: My dear! The noise! And the people!
Diner: Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
Waiter: Well, sir, it was only ground this morning...
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: We serve everyone, sir.
Q: What do you get if you cross an octopus with a chimpanzee?
A: A cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.
(Geoff Robbins @_TheGeoff)
Man to young lady who has fallen over: Can I help you – I saw your predicament?
Young lady: Well, if you were a gentleman you wouldn’t mention it!
(Donald McGill)
In the US Tax Court
Witness: As God is my judge, I do not owe this tax.
Judge: He’s not. I am. You do.
Counsel: You've a remarkable intelligence for someone of your background.
Witness: Thanks. I'd return the compliment, if I wasn't under oath.
(both from Gary Slapper @garyslapper)
An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.
(@Montberte_Mayor)
A lawyer went swimming off the Australian coast and the sharks never touched him.
Why? Professional courtesy.
Why is the London Overground like a fish scale? Because it's a whale weigh!
Sign outside dancing school: GONE CHOPIN, BACH IN FIVE MINUETS
In shoe mender’s window: I WILL HEEL YOU. I WILL SAVE YOUR SOLE. I WILL EVEN DYE FOR YOU.
Get me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!
I like Waitrose. It keeps the riff-raff out of Fortnum's.
Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar - Demerara.
Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.
You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve got Bright’s Disease and he’s got mine!
Meetings: where people take hours to take minutes.
Why are there no horses in the Isle of Wight? They prefer Cowes to Ryde.
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots et’em all.
Don’t trust atoms – they make up everything.
Euripides trousers? Eumenides trousers!!!
(Douglas Murphy @entschwindet)
The train now standing at platforms 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 has come in sideways.
Will the passengers taking the train on Platform 9 please put it back.
My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery.
Old demographers never die. They just get broken down by age and sex. (@conradhackett)
If it wasn’t for Venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us. (efrog@cix
What do ghosts eat? Ghoulash!
Two silk worms have a race. It ended in a tie.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on...
Aeroplane theft – it’s taking off.
Exit signs – they’re on their way out.
(from the MD of cix.online.com)
Nathan Rothschild, of the legendary financial family, is at work at his desk in London. A peer of the realm is brought in. Rothschild, intent on his ledgers, invites him to take a seat. Offended, the visitor blusters about his high standing. "Take two seats," Rothschild says.
Queen Victoria is seated at a banquet next to a Russian dignitary.
Queen Victoria: And how do you like Britain?
Russian: I like it veeeeeery much. There’s just one thing. Your place names! They are so long!
Queen Victoria: So long???
Russian: Yes: Leeeeeeeds, Baaaaaaath! In Russia: Ekaterinoslav.
(Brahms and Simon)
One Christmas Day at Jesus College in Cambridge, staff have the day off, and the phone lines are all plugged through to the Master's Lodge. The phone rings:
Caller: Hello, is that Jesus?Master: Yes. Can I help you?
Caller: Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You...
Two elderly Victorian ladies exit a production of Shakespeare’s Anthony and Cleopatra: “How different, how very different from the home life of our own dear Queen.”
TELEGRAMS
Shaw to Churchill: HAVE RESERVED TWO TICKETS FOR MY FIRST NIGHT COME AND BRING A FRIEND, IF YOU HAVE ONE.
Churchill's reply: IMOSSIBLE COME FIRST NIGHT WILL COME SECOND NIGHT IF THERE IS ONE.
Our local theatre is threatened with closure. The director has asked the council to act. They say they will, as soon as they have finished looking into the holes that have appeared in the High Street.
And some burglars have taken all the loos from the local police station. The police say they have nothing to go on.
Egg left at crime scene. Police scramble resources.
A tall man and a midget are suspected: police are looking high and low.
In later news: A milk float and a lorry carrying eggs crashed in the High Street this evening. Police have taken both drivers into custody. (from RN and MB)
Two hippies harangue their school-uniformed son about banning the bomb, free love and saving the planet.
Small boy: Mother, father, must you go on so?
(Old Private Eye cartoon by Michael Heath)
More here, and links to the rest.
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